Stay at home moms RULE (or why I can't hang)

When I was little, I always imagined that when I had children, I would stay at home with them while my husband went to work. Our days would be idyllic and when my husband came home, he would strip off his tie and say, "What's for dinner, honey?" I'd have something amazing ready for him, something with beef. Maybe a pot roast. Or lamb chops. I'm not really sure. It had meat, though. And potatoes. There may have been cake. I'm not certain. That was a long time ago.

Back then, I had Caroline Ingalls as my role model. She always had dinner ready for Pa, so I figured I'd be like her. Imagine my surprise when I realized that was Hollywood and, in many cases, the mommies are the ones who work while the daddies stay at home! I never thought I would be the working Mommy and even up until Gracie and Luke were born, I held out hope that Daddy would find some miraculous career so that I could be at home with them. I would take them places, read to them, fix them yummy and healthy foods. They would do what I said all of the time and it would be Bliss!

I am dumbfounded to report that staying at home with Gracie and Luke is far from bliss. Instead, I've discovered that about once every five minutes, I'm ready to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. We don't go anywhere because neither Gracie nor Luke listen to me when we are out and about. They like to take off and keep going when I am screaming at them to stop. They are terrible listeners unless they are locked in a shopping cart and shopping is no fun (Seriously, Aunt Bec. It isn't.). I read to them sometimes, but they usually end up saying, "All done!" and start throwing toys or having a pillow fight. That, of course, is fun until someone gets hurt. The yummy and healthy foods? Well, they get milk, yogurt, bread, fruits, and green beans. But they get equal doses of crackers, Yogos, fruit snacks, and juice. They simply won't eat the food I put in front of them. More often than not, my offerings are flung at me, at the wall, at each other, or used as paint for their tables.

All of this is wearing me down. It has only been a week since day care ended for them and I'm in a constant state of wanting to run away. How do you stay at home moms do this? Some of my friends have twins the same age as Gracie and Luke and they manage to do fun field trips with fun themed weeks and fun art projects. My son ate the crayons today when I took them outside to color and when I told him that crayons were not for eating, he chucked the crayons out into the street! If I tried to do themed weeks, they would revolt! All they care about right now is cows, elephants and "Bahney." These are three words I hear no less than 100 million times a day.

So, what to do? My blissful existence is turning out to be totally less than blissful. My Twinsies refuse to do anything I tell them to and gleefully do everything I tell them not to. If I have to say "No throwing food!" one more time, I think I'll cry!

I realize I am in a critical time right now and my Making the Terrible Twos Terrific book is only making me crazier. The author is brilliant and wise. He also made me see how I am failing at this. I don't want the evil children who hit and whine and cry and throw things and run into the street. I don't! I also don't want to be the mom who only has the word "No!" as her entire vocabulary.

So, if you are a brilliant mom, one who can give me some insight and ways to keep myself from going batty, bring it on! I sense I only have a few more days left in me.

Have I mentioned we are going on a trip? In the car? Driving hundreds of miles? With almost two year olds?

I think it is time to hide in the bathroom again.