Stay at home moms RULE (or why I can't hang)

When I was little, I always imagined that when I had children, I would stay at home with them while my husband went to work. Our days would be idyllic and when my husband came home, he would strip off his tie and say, "What's for dinner, honey?" I'd have something amazing ready for him, something with beef. Maybe a pot roast. Or lamb chops. I'm not really sure. It had meat, though. And potatoes. There may have been cake. I'm not certain. That was a long time ago.

Back then, I had Caroline Ingalls as my role model. She always had dinner ready for Pa, so I figured I'd be like her. Imagine my surprise when I realized that was Hollywood and, in many cases, the mommies are the ones who work while the daddies stay at home! I never thought I would be the working Mommy and even up until Gracie and Luke were born, I held out hope that Daddy would find some miraculous career so that I could be at home with them. I would take them places, read to them, fix them yummy and healthy foods. They would do what I said all of the time and it would be Bliss!

I am dumbfounded to report that staying at home with Gracie and Luke is far from bliss. Instead, I've discovered that about once every five minutes, I'm ready to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. We don't go anywhere because neither Gracie nor Luke listen to me when we are out and about. They like to take off and keep going when I am screaming at them to stop. They are terrible listeners unless they are locked in a shopping cart and shopping is no fun (Seriously, Aunt Bec. It isn't.). I read to them sometimes, but they usually end up saying, "All done!" and start throwing toys or having a pillow fight. That, of course, is fun until someone gets hurt. The yummy and healthy foods? Well, they get milk, yogurt, bread, fruits, and green beans. But they get equal doses of crackers, Yogos, fruit snacks, and juice. They simply won't eat the food I put in front of them. More often than not, my offerings are flung at me, at the wall, at each other, or used as paint for their tables.

All of this is wearing me down. It has only been a week since day care ended for them and I'm in a constant state of wanting to run away. How do you stay at home moms do this? Some of my friends have twins the same age as Gracie and Luke and they manage to do fun field trips with fun themed weeks and fun art projects. My son ate the crayons today when I took them outside to color and when I told him that crayons were not for eating, he chucked the crayons out into the street! If I tried to do themed weeks, they would revolt! All they care about right now is cows, elephants and "Bahney." These are three words I hear no less than 100 million times a day.

So, what to do? My blissful existence is turning out to be totally less than blissful. My Twinsies refuse to do anything I tell them to and gleefully do everything I tell them not to. If I have to say "No throwing food!" one more time, I think I'll cry!

I realize I am in a critical time right now and my Making the Terrible Twos Terrific book is only making me crazier. The author is brilliant and wise. He also made me see how I am failing at this. I don't want the evil children who hit and whine and cry and throw things and run into the street. I don't! I also don't want to be the mom who only has the word "No!" as her entire vocabulary.

So, if you are a brilliant mom, one who can give me some insight and ways to keep myself from going batty, bring it on! I sense I only have a few more days left in me.

Have I mentioned we are going on a trip? In the car? Driving hundreds of miles? With almost two year olds?

I think it is time to hide in the bathroom again.

Don't kid yourself. Sleep is important.

There are some children on this planet who purportedly do not have any problem taking a nap. These same mythical children can survive on little sleep and still behave as angels.

My children do not fall in this category of beings. Oh, no. They are nap-requiring, fussy-when-tired, crazy-when-exhausted, toy-throwing, food-throwing, Mommy-and-sibling-biting children. In essence, your typical almost 20 month old.

On Friday, the day care lady asked me if Gracie had been going to sleep earlier than usual. This is impossible because of her brother, but she was getting tired much earlier. Apparently, her nap time has been out of whack this week and she has hardly been sleeping. Well, no wonder! That explains some of the craziness we have had this week. This morning, she was up at 5 am and taking a hard nap by 9 am. She was out for almost 2 hours.

Luke, on the other hand, was not going to take a nap this morning, no matter what! I tried cuddling with him, giving him his binky, everything, and nothing...no nap. I managed to fall asleep (a total accident, but to be expected when you are up chasing twins at 5 am) and Luke played quietly around me. When he woke me about 20 minutes after I dozed off, I found that he had scaled the kitchen table and dumped all my papers to the floor in an effort to get to the fruit snacks. I also discovered that he had somehow unscrewed the cap on the jumbo bubble container, pulled off the heretofore untouched seal, and pulled out the massive bubble wand. All, I might add, without knocking over the container or spilling any bubble solution. When I discovered this, I had a moment of panic, but then Lukie walked over to me and handed me the bubble wand. He just wanted some bubbles!

These days, when they will not nap like they are used to, are very difficult. They don't want any of the food I make them, they don't want to play nicely, they don't want to do much of anything except all the things I don't want them to do. Add to this Luke throwing up his lunch because he was coughing too hard and you have a pretty fantastically awful day. It is days like today that I am reminded how critical their proper sleep is. When they have their naps, their full night of sleep, they are kinder, gentler Twinsies. They don't throw things nearly as often and I am much less likely to have an imprint of toddler teeth on my outer thigh.

Now, the mommies out there who have my category of toddlers are reading this and nodding in agreement. They know how awful this can be. They've had the days when they would like wine before 10:30 am or would love to have a padded room where they can leave their children for 15 minutes of peace and quiet (or maybe the padded room is really the haven they would like to seach refuge in - to each her own). The mommies of the "perfect" sleepers and non-sleepers are shaking their heads at me right now. "Clearly, Gracie and Luke's Mommy just doesn't have proper discipline of her children. If that were me, my Little Perfect Angel Jim-Bob would know I mean business!"

Seriously, those perfect mommies can take a flying leap! I want a day of peace and quiet. A day when Twinsies take their predictable nap at the predictable time. A day when I can take a shower and not feel like everyone is looking at me and wondering why I look like death warmed over. A day when my children eat the food I put in front of them and signal me when they are all done instead of chucking their apples, french toast, tangerines, etc. across the room to be found weeks later behind the television.

There is something like a month and a half left until summer vacation. I'm wondering if we will be able to have a better schedule then. Oooo! Maybe we will be back in our house so that I will indeed have that padded room for their playing pleasure instead of a teensy one bedroom apartment with no privacy and leaking bathtubs and cockroaches (yes, I found one the other day trying to crawl into our apartment).

Hey, a girl can dream!

A Life without Air Conditioning

Back in olden times...

Okay, that's just too hokey!

But seriously, back when I was little, we rarely had the air conditioning on. In fact, when I think of drives in my mom's cars, it wasn't until she bought the Ford Tempo that we actually had air conditioning. In the house, she had us open windows and use fans, rather than turn on the central A/C that she spent an arm and a leg for when our house was built.

With the recent heatwave (yes, it really is a heatwave in April), everywhere I go, there is air conditioning on. My classroom has it, although it sends most of the cool air to my coworker's room. My car has it. Yay! Our house has it, if we ever get to go back. Technically, our apartment has it too. However, I can't use it.

You see, we had Daddy's new TV placed on a tall dresser in the corner of the living room so that it could be seen in the kitchen. The same corner that houses the air conditioning unit. I'm pretty sure it is not a good thing to run an A/C that close to the back of a television. So, we are making due with a sliding glass door, a fan, and the door to our apartment propped open with a baby gate to keep Gracie and Luke from taking a trip outside. We are wearing fewer layers of clothes and Gracie and Luke have been wearing t-shirts and shorts to bed.

If things get really bad, I guess I will have to figure out how to move the dresser and the TV without damaging the cable connection. Then again, if pioneer women could survive wearing those awful skirts and long sleeve shirts, I can bust out the summer jammies.

Dreaming of my house with my own air conditioning,

My New Mantra - Let It Go!

It seems that every day I am reminded I am no longer in control of my life. Whether it is the baby paraphernalia that is all over my house, the students who come and go from my classroom without a care for whether or not I might like some privacy, to people just walking into my house without calling to see if it is okay if they come over, I now have no control over anything. I can't even manage to get myself out of the house on time. Arg.

I've always liked things a certain way. Some would call me a control freak. But now I am starting a new mantra: LET IT GO!

Trust me, this is easier said than done. I often have to take 10 deep breaths while thinking it.

Letting things go is very hard. Auntley (Aunt Loretta to those of you who did not know her) used to tell me to let things go all the time. Her favorite word was "Whatever." She let things go that weren't important in her life. She did not sweat the things she could not change or the opinions of people who were ignorant. She lived her life to make others' lives better.

Right now, my babies are my #1 priority and that is making all of my other priorities suffer. I have so much to grade that I am having anxiety issues. I'm trying to find a way to let it go.....

Let's see how that goes!

Pregnancy as a Life Lesson in Lack of Control

This entire pregnancy has been a huge life lesson for me. I've never been a complete control freak, but I like being organized and having things prepared. When Eddie and I discovered that I was pregnant, it was a huge blessing. It was also 8 months earlier than we had planned. This was lesson number 1 in you can't control everything. The plan had been that we would hopefully conceive in August or September and the baby would be born at the end of the school year. Hopefully, I wouldn't have to miss any work time. Instead, the baby was due in October and I was looking at missing 6-8 weeks of school.

Oh, well. I decided I could live with it! Babies are totally worth giving up time in my classroom and it was just one baby. Eddie and I could totally swing one baby. So, ha! It was totally doable.

Then, 2 weeks later, we were told that we were expecting twins! Twins! That threw me for a loop. One baby I could figure out, but 2 babies! At one time! Huh?! I started getting a little anxious. In fact, I developed a twitch under my left eye. This was a little more stressful. I made an appointment with the human resources department so that I could start planning for missing work and having 2 babies. Not to mention, that Dr. Hartford had let drop that I would need to go on bed rest at 25 weeks (i.e. the week Summer School was due to start). I assured the HR department and the Summer School Director that I would not need bed rest and that I would just cut back my hours a bit. After speaking with HR, I had a better idea how I needed to save money and started to feel a bit more under control. Again, this was kind of totally doable! It was a little worrisome. My summer school salary was much needed if I was going to make it work.

As time went on, my body started to feel like it was being taken over by aliens. After having lost over 50 pounds and actually enjoying exercising, pregnancy was a rude awakening. Anyone who has ever been pregnant will tell you about the nausea, the constant sleepiness, the frequent trips to the bathroom. It seems like you have no control, whatsoever, over your body. That drove me crazy. I had so many things to do: exercise, grade papers, plan classes, web design work. Yet, my body would not let me do any of it. I felt like crying all the time. This was yet another hint from God that I was not going to get to be in control this time.

Then came June. You may have read my previous post about my journey to bed rest. That was the rudest awakening. I did not even make it to 25 weeks before I found myself lying flat in a hospital bed on IV drugs and strapped to a contraction monitor. I think this was the point when I started to surrender. I mean, how many times do you need to be hit in the head before you finally duck? I got the message, God, you can give me a break now!

For 10 weeks, I just let my body rule and waited as the babies grew. When we finally hit 32 weeks, I actually started getting excited about the end. When Dr. Hartford returned from his 9 day trip to Hawaii, I asked him about scheduling my c-section. We agreed to try for September 6 at 7 am. I should have known better. Making any plans during this pregnancy has proven to bring some new lesson to come slamming down on my head. Sure enough, the hospital wasn't able to schedule me for September 6th. Or 7th. Or 8th. Another subtle reminder from God that I don't get to decide how this pregnancy goes.

Now, here I sit, again with a murky end to the Twinsie Journey. I have finally just let it go. Millions of women have been pregnant and not known when their journeys will end. Who am I to declare that I will be anything other than one of their number?

Pregnancy has definitely been a life lesson for me. I've been in control of everything for so long, that I needed to be reminded that it was truly just an illusion. I can only imagine the chaos that the birth of the Twinsies will bring. I'm sure I'll try to be in control of feeding times and sleeping times. I may even try to plan an outing when they are 2 weeks old. And God will return to slap me in the head and bring me back down to earth. Sometimes you really do have to just LET IT GO. After all, what is the point in trying to hold desperately onto control when life is so much more fun when you roll with the punches???