Exhausted

It's been a month since I started waking the Twinsies up at 6 am to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house in the morning. They've hung in there pretty well. Mondays, they usually fall asleep on the way home, but most other nights, they need me to give them a bath and sing them to sleep. Some nights, I have to drive them around.

Since Daddy's been home, we've been acting like a tag team. Each of us takes one kiddo and gives them their bottle until they fall asleep. It usually works pretty well.

Tonight, when I got back from work, Daddy was very asleep. He's had a rough time since he came home from the hospital and has had very little sleep. Grandpa gave him something to help him sleep and he was so out that Grandma and I decided just to let him stay there. I put Gracie and Luke in the car at 5:30 pm.

By 5:35, Lukie was asleep. By 5:45 pm, Gracie was asleep. This is what you look like when you are exhausted beyond anything:

I wish I could sleep like that.

Like Nails on a Chalkboard

Babies and children cry. It's what they do. They cry when they are hungry, thirsty, angry, uncomfortable, tired...you name it, that's why they cry. Experts will tell you that young babies have very distinct cries. They believe you can actually tell when a baby is hungry versus in need of a diaper change. When Gracie and Luke were newborns, we eventually got to a place where we could tell when they were tired and not hungry.

Once, though, there was a day when Gracie cry did not sound like anything we had ever heard. She was crying so hard that you could hear it rattling in her throat. She arched her back and would not allow anyone to hold her. It took us a bit, but we finally realized that she had awful gas. We were so desperate to help her, that we dissolved a peppermint candy in water and forced it into her mouth with a medicine syringe. Eventually, the peppermint did its job and she quieted down.

It can be hard to tell when Gracie is really hurting or if she is just upset. She can be quite dramatic when she does not get what she wants. She will start to cry and fall to the ground, rolling and kicking. Most times, we will try to ask her how we can help. We use the words she knows to try to figure out if it is something easy that we can help with. If nothing we say or do gets through, we ignore her because giving her attention usually makes it worse. Grandma usually says, "Oh, Gracie's having an attack!" and leaves the room. It is hard to do, but Gracie can really get herself worked up and everyone we have spoken with and everything we have read suggests that removing our immediate attention from Gracie will show her that her behavior will not get her what she wants.

The thing is, no matter why they are crying, the sound has a distinct effect on parents and others around them. When Gracie or Lukie cries, the other Twinsie will become upset and generally start to cry too. In my case, those hysterical cries, the ones I can't stop by comforting my children, are the cries that are like nails on a chalkboard. They hurt my ears, my head. They make my heart beat faster and I feel incredibly anxious. All I want to do is find a way to make it stop. 90% of the time, I can. The other 10% of the time is what has me worried all the time.

Last night, Gracie and Luke ate dinner at Grandma and Grandpa's house. They love eating there. The food is warm and yummy and there is lots of it. For dinner, they had chicken, rice and beans. Lukie was a little uncomfortable on the way home, but I could hear him tooting and he was fine. Gracie was a different story. She started crying as soon as I put her in the car seat. She cried on and off all the way home, eventually falling asleep.

When I went to put her in bed, she woke up and started to wail. Her cry was that one that makes me cringe because I know there is nothing I can do to make it stop. She started flinging herself all over the floor, rolling, kicking and hitting. I tried milk, her binky, holding her, and rubbing her tummy. When none of it worked, I let her have time to try to work it out on her own. But after 5 minutes, she was still crying hysterically. My ears, head, and stomach were hurting from listening to my little girl cry. Honestly, I was exhausted and not thinking completely straight. I ended up picking her up and taking her to the car. I drove for 45 minutes with her still crying, trying to figure out what to do. Eventually, I called Nana who reminded me about the peppermint and I drove us home, all the while talking to Gracie about how I was going to take her home and make her feel all better.

She fell asleep before we got home, but I could hear the little catches in her breath from her extended bout of crying. I carried her inside and held her for over an hour. I patted her back and rubbed the side of her tummy. She stayed asleep until I tried to put her down. Then, the crying started anew. She screamed and threw herself around. I started cursing whoever gave her beans, knowing that it wasn't really their fault, but feeling irrational about it just the same. I tried giving her peppermint icecream, but she wouldn't open her mouth. Her cries woke Lukie, who started crying too.

Believe me, I was close to crying myself.

Eventually, Gracie fell asleep next to me on the livingroom floor, laying on her tummy like a stink bug and wrapped warmly in a fleece blanket. I carried Lukie back to bed and fell asleep next to him, still wearing my work clothes. An hour or so later, Gracie woke up and started to cry. I shot out of bed and snatched her up, patting her tummy. She snuggled next to me in bed and eventually fell back to sleep.

Ten minutes after that, she tooted. Crisis averted.

Gracie Goes to the Doctor

A few weeks ago, I was lamenting my very sad daughter and her awful ear infections. She's had 4 in the last 4 months, resulting in a referral to the ear, nose, and throat doctor. In the meantime, we made a trip to see Dr. A so that she could check Gracie's ears and make sure our last bout of antibiotics did the trick. I made it a "just the girls" trip so that Lukie could hang out with his favorite person (abue) and I could just juggle one toddler instead of 2 at the doctors' office.

Usually, I just carry Gracie and Luke in because I'm worried they are going to take off on me. Since I only had Gracie with me, I let her walk next to me into the office building. You should have seen the smile on her face! She was so proud to be walking instead of being carried. She touched every plant we passed, the wall, the elevator, pretty much anything within her reach. She tried to "touch" the Emergency Call button in the elevator, but I squashed that pretty fast.

Once inside, she made her usual trek back and forth from the Well Side to the Sick Side to see the gold "fishies" and the big "fishies." As she passed the patients and their parents in the waiting area, she waved at them and said, "Hi!" and "Bye!" in the little sing-song voice she uses. Everyone was enchanted by the little girl in the HUG ME! sweatshirt.

We were called in to a room and that is when the fun started. I let Gracie explore and she had a great time opening drawers, playing with paper, and generally, making a mess. Luckily, I got most of it cleaned up by the time Dr. A came into the room.

Here's some of the fun:

What's in here?

We don't need any of this paper on the table!

Proof that Gracie is wild!

Twinsie Art

For obvious reasons, markers are not one of my favorite things. I've decided to leave the markers for day care. This has left me with a dilemma. How do I encourage Gracie and Luke to write and draw without crayons or markers?

Enter the Fisher Price Doodle-Pro! It says it is for kids aged 3 and older, but after I bought small personal sized ones at Target, Gracie and Luke discovered that they were lots of fun! I've been writing their names on them and we've been drawing happy faces. Gracie and Luke will sit at their table and draw for at least 3 minutes (a record for sitting still). They like to draw dots and drag the pen across the screen.

We've had all kinds of pictures on the Doodle-Pro, but here are some of my favorites.

I have budding artists. Sometime soon, I'll get brave and let them have access to crayons and markers. So far, though, our experience with crayons resulted in green teeth and their use of markers at school had me scrubbing skin until it turned red. Not my idea of fun!

I'm excited to see how Gracie and Luke develop artistically. I'm not a drawer or a painter. Daddy is an artist with food. Me, I'm all about computers and using things other people create in interesting ways. Who knows. Maybe they'll be amazing artists! I'll have to save this picture for when people are paying thousands of dollars for their professional work. Hee hee hee!

Papa and Agua

There are two words that have dominated conversation in the past 2 days.

"Papa!" has been heard over and over. Gracie and Luke will run up to Daddy on the couch and yell, "Papa!" at him. They'll run away and come back, over and over again. They'll point at him when we are in the car and say, "Papa," joy in their tones.

"Agua" is the other word being used a lot. Between the rain, the pool, and all of the drinks Gracie has been wanting, we've heard the word "agua" a lot. Of course, every time I try to get them on video saying these words, they run away.

Here are some videos of the Twinsies and all of the ways they have been talking up a storm lately.

Lukie's First Big Boy Haircut

It has been raining here, resulting in very little outside time. We've been cooped up inside and I've been trying to plan anything outside our very small apartment. There was an hour of no rain yesterday morning. So I set out on a walk with Gracie and Luke. We walked about a mile to McDonald's and got a Snack Size Fruit and Yogurt Parfait to share.

When it came time to look at our afternoon, though, I was at a loss. Daddy had to go for his first diaylisis treatment and that was to last for several hours. As Lukie ran past me for the 50th time chasing Gracie, I realized that he had way too much hair on his head. Some little boys look okay with a mop of hair, but I've always wanted Lukie to be clean cut. Daddy and I have joked that we want Lukie to look like a Little Ricky (Ricky Ricardo, Jr.).

I started looking up kids' salons on the internet and found one close buy called Gumball Alley. I made Lukie an appointment for an hour after we had to drop off Daddy. I took Gracie with me, even though I was nervous about juggling 2 babies at a hair salon.

Gumball Alley is a fun place. Videos to watch. Jeeps to sit in. Fun colors on the wall. Lukie loved sitting in the Jeep while the stylist cut his hair.

That is, until she started on the hair around his ears. He kept standing up and trying to reach for me, which made things difficult since I had Gracie in my arms. Eventually, after some Teddy Grahams, the Slippery Fish song, and some games with Gracie, Lukie's hair cut was complete.

It was challenging trying to pay and get out of the salon with two toddlers determined to tear the place apart (Grandma lets them do whatever they like in her salon), but the owner came to my rescue with balloons. We made it to the car and the Twinsies had a great time playing with their balloons.

A new haircut and a balloon.

Pink balloon!

We are very impressed with Lukie's new hair. My favorite part is that I get to see his ears!

Daddy's Home!

On Thursday night, Daddy busted out of the hospital. Well, the nurses let him out. No busting involved. He stayed the night at Grandma and Grandpas because of the rain. Then, yesterday morning, Gracie and Lukie got to see their Daddy! They ran to him and hugged him. They were so excited!

He is very impressed with all of their new words and their hugs.

He came home with us to our apartment last night and we celebrated by running around in circles and showing him everything we thought was new to him. He is a little slow because of lying down for so long, but he can get around our apartment with his crutches. He is feeling a lot better!

Yay for Daddy at home!

Baby Jail

Once, when I was babysitting Hailey, Bianca, and Brandon for Aunt Becca when she was sick, I was trying to make them lunch and Brandon was toddling around getting underfoot. To keep him safe (he was very little), I put him in the Pack N Play that Aunt Becca kept in the kitchen by the sliding glass door. I figured he'd be safe and I could get lunch ready.

Instead, screaming, the likes of which I had never heard, began to come from his mouth. It was so bad that poor Aunt Becca dragged herself out of bed to see if I was doing something awful (like hang him by his toes from the ceiling). The first words out of her mouth were, "Oh, Brandon! What did you do to be put in baby jail?"

I was so embarrassed! Here I thought I was using the Pack N Play to be helpful and instead I had put Brandon in baby jail! I felt awful and from that day, I vowed never to use the Pack N Play as a device for storing/caging/containing or otherwise holding any child ever.

The problem is that when you have twins, cribs are horribly expensive. Daddy and I decided not to buy cribs, but to instead have Gracie and Luke sleep with us until they were ready for toddler beds. When this did not work out, we used the 2 Pack N Plays for their beds. They were nice because we could sleep on our own and Gracie and Luke had their own beds with no one rolling over them. When the fire happened, we had to throw them away because of the smoke damage. I only bought one to replace the original 2 because I figured that they were getting closer to the toddler bed stage.

Flash forward to Daddy being in the hospital:

Gracie and Luke haven't slept in the Pack N Play since we moved to our new apartment. They've slept on the day bed or on our bed (while we've been on the day bed). The Pack N Play has been relegated to a corner. They've done well on the bed and I'm fine on the day bed. They have slept so well, that I usually have to wake them up when it is time to go in the morning.

Then, one morning, about 4:30 am, I heard the sound of a little bird crying (not really, it was Gracie). When I went in to investigate, there was the Little Who, sitting there, hair everywhere, her binky askew in her mouth and WIDE awake. I know from experience that Gracie is not going back to sleep once she sits up. My heart dropped. I still had 30 minutes to sleep until my alarm went off! The next thing I knew, Lukie sat up, too. I decided to try to get them back to sleep, but it was to no avail. At 5 am, I started to panic about my shower. Then, I saw it: the Pack N Play sitting in the corner. I had a brief surge of remorse about locking them in baby jail, but then I realized that I needed them to be safe. So, I set up the Pack N Play, put a snuggly blanket in the bottom, handed each of them a sippy cup of milk and a graham cracker. I put them in the Pack N Play in the bathroom and stepped in the shower.

At first, Lukie started crying because he couldn't see me, but then, after awhile, he was too busy eating his graham cracker and playing with Gracie to notice that I was frantically taking a shower. The lasted through my shower and were still happy while I brushed my hair and got dressed! It was amazing. Not like jail at all!

Clearly, the Pack N Play is not meant to be used willy-nilly. Rather, used in moderation, it can function as a safe location to leave Twinsies who are not nice enough to sleep when they are supposed to. Yay for the Pack N Play!

It's a good thing I kept that Pack N Play. Otherwise, when Gracie woke up at 4:30 am today and would not go back to sleep, there would have been one very unhappy Mommy!

Wishin' and Hopin' and Thinkin' and Prayin'...

Dear Gracie and Lukie,

I've been thinking about writing you a letter recently. I started this blog when I was in the hospital to keep track of how I was progressing on keeping you tucked safely inside and as an outlet for all of the frustration I felt at being cooped up in the hospital while Daddy was at Grandma's house (he broke his leg after flirting with nurses and could not come visit me because he could not drive himself any where). As Aunt Becca will tell you, I have a terrible memory. If I don't write things down, I simply forget what happened or what I need to accomplish. She is forever making fun of me because I have forgotten events that are so clear in her memory. They simply don't exist in mine. Often, even after she has told me most of the background of a particular event in our childhood, I'm still clueless about it.

Maybe that's not entirely true. I remember a lot of things, things that to me define who I am as a person. I remember Mrs. Crossman, my first grade teacher, and her hugs. I remember scary Mrs. Clifton and her fake, looooong acrylic nails. I remember Mr. Lounsbury and that silly guppy that he put in a jar to prove to us in 6th grade that fish breathe oxygen, too (Ask me about this some day. It is a particularly awful memory. Gruesome, but still a funny story!). I remember running around Auntley's backyard with Aunt Becca and Auntie Ten Ten, pretending we were airplanes taking off. I remember snuggling under the freezing sheets in the back bedroom at Auntley's apartment, wishing desperately that they would warm up quickly. I remember, riding my bike, the one with the flowers on the seat, holding my hands in the air, so proud that I did not need to have my hands on the steering wheel. I remember the very first time Nana told me she was proud of me (she told me in a letter when I was 16 years old). I remember the look on your Daddy's face as I walked down the aisle. I remember the way he looked at me when I told him I was pregnant and the terror on his face 23 weeks later when you tried to come early. I remember the terrifying labor pains as I lay in Labor and Delivery, hoping against hope that Dr. H would be able to stop you from coming so early. And, I remember those beautiful first cries when you two were born. The most amazing sound I have ever heard.

Maybe, I hold close those memories that mean the most to me. Everything else is just life and once it passes, it is gone. Maybe that is why I "forget" so many things.

This blog has become my way of keeping track of "life." Someday, one or both of you are going to come and ask me about when you were little or when I was pregnant and I may have forgotten those little "life" memories. I want a place where I can come back and say, "Here you go! Oh, and by the way there's video so you can see what really happened!" I really hope that this blog becomes my memory book of your lives. I can only imagine you coming back here to read these posts as adults.

Technically, you won't be 17 months old until almost 9 pm Thursday night. For some reason, your age has been on my mind a lot lately. I keep calling you my babies, but you really aren't babies any more. You are toddlers. Children. And yet, I can't seem to call you those things. I want you to stay little for just a touch longer. I know that inevitably you will grow up. You will start to talk and Gracie will start calling water "water" and juice "juice" instead of calling all liquids "agua." Eventually, Lukie will say, "Give me" or "Da me" instead of "meme." While I am thrilled at the idea of you growing up, learning and developing, part of me will stay sad that you aren't my little babies any more.

Three years ago, I had a conversation with Aunt Becca that I had had with her many times. I was lamenting the idea that I would never be a mommy. Daddy was always so sick and I was clearly not in shape. I pulled out all the "Woe is me!" stuff and she listened. She kept telling me that I would be a Mommy one day. In my heart, I did not believe her. I was so very sad and just not feeling very optimistic about anything. When I think of that time, I feel like such a ninny. I let all the bad things in my life make me think that you were not even a possibility. I can't believe I wasted my tears on such negativity.

Nana used to hold me to the 3 happy thoughts for 1 complaint rule. I thought I had outgrown it until she pulled it on me again a few months ago. If I ever have to pull out that rule for you two, you know who to blame. The rule, while obnoxious when all you want to do is complain for an hour, is important. Life can pull some pretty crappy things on you. It can leave you out of your house for an indeterminate amount of time. It can make your spouse sick and in the hospital for weeks and weeks. It can make your babies sick and teething at the same time. But what it can't do, what you should never let it do, is take away your ability to see the blessings in your life. Your life is an amazing gift. Stop and be thankful for what you have. I'll demonstrate:

1) We have a home.

2) Daddy is getting better.

3) We have family who love us and want to help us.

4) We have family who like us and want to spend time with us!

5) We have money to buy food and gas and pay our bills.

6) We have each other.

These are all things to be thankful for and every time I start to feel "Woe is me!", I stop and remind myself of them. The number one thing I think when I am feeling the saddest is "I have Gracie and Luke." You are my number one thing to be thankful for in life. I hope that you never live a day not knowing how much I love you and am thankful for the gift of you.

Because, truly, there is nothing more amazing than you.

I Love You,

Mommy

The Tale of the Teddy Graham Family

Once upon a time, there was a bag of Mini Teddy Grahams. The bag was a very special bag only found at Target. Mommy would make special trips to Target just to obtain the special golden bag. The Teddy Grahams were much smaller than their full size counterparts, perfect for the tiny fingers of Twinsies. They were easily placed in snack containers and a handful made Twinsies very happy.

One day, Mommy noticed that the Mini Teddy Grahams were starting to pop up in odd places. She found an entire colony living in Gracie's car seat.

There was a legion that had committed teddycide on the kitchen floor. Then, Mommy noticed that the Teddies seemed to be coming our of every blanket, toy, and even every crevice that the Twinsies had spent time playing in.

It wasn't until Mommy got out of the car one day and saw an astounding sight that she realized how Super these Mini Teddy Grahams really were! As she got the stroller out of the car, Mommy looked down and saw:

A Mini Teddy Graham perched on the bumper.

How this teddy survived when all the other uneaten teddies had died horrible deaths being crushed by Elmo and Pooh sneakers, we do not know. However, this teddy did manage to ride on the bumper for at least 10 miles, surviving stops, starts, lane changes, and sudden swerves as crazy people cut Mommy off.

Not wanting the industrious teddy to go the way of his extended family, Mommy scooped him up and gave him a proper burial in the trash can. Mommy wondered, though, if the teddy might have wanted to go to his maker on his own terms.

Then again, maybe not.

Lukie's Project

Lucas has been developing some really fun habits lately. He is obsessed with emptying everything he comes across. This includes emptying the bathtub of toys. He has also developed an unfortunate attachment to Gracie's Strawberry Shortcake purse.

Yesterday, he decided to set his sights on my recently opened package of bottled waters. I was changing Gracie's diaper and when I looked up, I found that Lukie was taking one bottle after another out of the package and carrying them across the kitchen floor. When I let Gracie up, I grabbed the camera and caught this. It's a bit long, but bear with me. There are some great moments with Gracie saying, "agua," and both of them babbling away.

Oh, goodness! And then there is this one! You just have to see Lukie dancing to the Barney DVD playing in the background!