Saturday, February 21, 2009

Tell me, what am I supposed to do?

I can count on one hand (still) the number of times Gracie and Luke have spent the night away from me since they came home from the hospital. Every time, it has been with Nana. I trust Nana. She raised me, Aunt Bec, and Auntie Ten Ten. Shoot! She has 6 grand kids, three of whom beg to spend the night with her!

Because Daddy has been so sick and gone for the better part of a month and a half, I've just about reached my breaking point. Don't get me wrong. I will survive. It's what mommies do. Mentally and physically, I am drained. I've noticed that I am not my happy self at home and all I seem to live for is time for that Gracie and Luke will go to sleep. That's not the kind of mommy I want to be.

Several people have asked me how they can help. As a control freak, it is very hard for me to let things go and allow others to do things for me. One friend of mine, Jeanette, decided it was time to just tell me how she was going to help instead of leaving it up to me to ask. Jeanette works with me and if my children grow up to be even a half as wonderful as her daughters, I will be the luckiest mom on the planet!

Jeanette came and picked up Gracie and Luke today. She took them to the park to watch her youngest daughter play soccer. Later, she is taking them to a basketball game and then to the dance concert at school tonight. She is incredibly brave and I don't know what I would do without her. I had a nap today. Yes, a nap. It was a blessed thing.

I have to admit that it took a lot for me to say yes to Jeanette's offer, not because I don't trust her! I was more concerned about Gracie and Luke and how they would be. Would they cry the whole time? Would Lukie break everything he come into contact with? Would Jeanette wish that she had never ever offered to take them? All of these things have been swirling through my mind since she offered. And yet, Jeanette assured me it wouldn't matter if they did all of these things. Gracie and Luke would be fine.

Jeanette told me to call when ever I want to check in on them. And I have to admit, I've called once so far. Gracie and Luke are having the time of their lives running around, eating apples, playing with Jeanette's daughters and husband. I have nothing to worry about.

So here's the thing: Even though I have a million things to do, I can't stop thinking about Gracie and Luke. I feel guilty sitting here without them. I could do our taxes (oh, joy!), or I could scan our hundred million receipts into the computer for our Flexible Spending Account, or I could leave yet another message for the evil adjuster lady at the insurance company who refuses to acknowledge my phone calls. I could go shopping for spring clothes (which I desperately need) or go see a movie (no fun without Daddy). I just can't seem to get started, because all I keep thinking about is Gracie and Luke.

So tell me, what am I supposed to do? I'm not liking this Mommy guilt thing.

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