Day 16 without Daddy

Over the past 5 days, I've composed about 10 different blog posts. I haven't typed or published any of them because they weren't so much about Gracie and Luke as they were about me and how overwhelmed I feel. If you have any kind of contact with me on a daily basis, you've seen the bags under my eyes, the pale look on my face, my inability to make my hair look like I did not just roll out of bed. The simple fact is that I'm overwhelmed and I desperately want Daddy home.

Nothing works without him. Not play time. Not dinner time. Not bath time. Not bed time. None of it. The first week or so, we did okay, but now that we have been without him for the 16 days he has been in the hospital, we're falling apart.

I'm not sure if it is the amazing number of teeth that are currently popping through Gracie and Lukie's gums, or if we are hitting the 18 month growth spurt a month and a half early, but it has been impossible to get them to eat well and bed time has been a nightmare. Some day, I will look back at this and be able to understand it more. I'll have the wisdom that comes from being a mom for many years. But right now, living through it, I am at a loss.

Dinner time has been so frustrating. Nothing I put in front of them has been working. They are existing on Teddy Grahams, string cheese, and the occasional orange or apple. Tonight I thought I had it nailed! I made mini penne pasta with just a touch of sauce. They love Grandma's sopita, so they had to like this! Apparently not. Within 5 minutes, Lukie had upended his and thrown his plate. He smeared the sauce all over his tray and threw pasta onto the carpet. I almost started to cry, but then I remembered this darn Project 365 thing and I took some pictures.

Twice this week, Lukie has been like a child possessed at night time. He was up until 10 pm on Monday night and 9:30 pm last night. I called Nana crying on Monday night. I couldn't take it any more. She talked with me gently and got me to calm down, but it did not take away the sense of failure I was feeling. She tried to suggest to me that I put Lukie in the car and drive around to get him to fall asleep. I said no. I did not want him to get in the habit of falling asleep in the car, plus, Gracie was already asleep.

Tonight, when he started bouncing around the bed and fell on Gracie, I had had enough. Forget the Healthy Sleep Habits guy and the No Cry Sleep Solution lady! Their suggestions have not been working. I put Gracie and Lukie into the stroller, put socks on their feet, their jackets on them with the hoods up. I rolled them out to the car at 6:12 pm. They were tired and so was I.

It took me longer to get them in the car than it did for them to fall asleep. Gracie was out before I pulled onto the street. Lukie held on longer, lasting 2 miles and 2 songs from the More Songs from Pooh Corner CD before he fell asleep, his binky fallen onto his lap. I drove for several miles, decided I needed a Mama Beer (a.k.a. any coffee drink from Starbucks) and stopped. They stayed asleep the entire time.

In all, I think I drove for 30 minutes just to make sure they were out. I managed to get them back into the apartment and into bed without waking up. In fact, I started writing this post at 7:05 pm.

The fact that I figured out how to get them to sleep is really not the point. Although, it is nice to have a moment to sit down. What I really want is Daddy to be home. Not so that he can take some of the load that is caring for the Twinsies, but because we are a team and a darn good one at that! I miss seeing him every day and watching the joy on Gracie and Lukie's faces when they play with him. I miss our seamless transitions at bed time and our conversations when the Twinsies are asleep. I just miss him. We've been together almost 20 years and any time we are apart is sad to me.

So, Daddy, I know you don't have Internet at that darn hospital, but I'm sending this thought out into the night with the hopes that you'll hear it some way or maybe even dream it:

We love you. Please get better and come home soon. We miss you more than you'll ever know.